So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
