ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
