They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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