I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
