And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He has the fingertips of a God
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
