can we get nightvision for the apartment?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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