You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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