I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
