My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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