apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
