First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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