i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize