I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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