My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
