I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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