Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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