I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
