you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
