I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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