3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
