At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pants are for mortals
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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