yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize