I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
do nipples grow back?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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