If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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