i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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