i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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