My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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