ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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