forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
