Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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