Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish I only lived at night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
