if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
