You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
