highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
