Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
