Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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