I got chris browned last night
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
