Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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