Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
