Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize