weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
