Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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