This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
