i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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