i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
