She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize