Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
