Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
