did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize