she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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