Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize