We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize