did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
