I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
