i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
