OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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