woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
